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Monthly Archives: January 2010

A New Year….A New Me???

Well, it’s nearing 2am here in Texas and I can’t sleep. When I get like this, there are only a handful of things that will work. But, instead of turning on the TV, reading a book, or playing a rousing hand of solitaire on my computer (though I do have a game open on the next screen over just in case), I am opting to blog. I find that sometimes I just have to get things out of my head and this seems to be one of those moments.
Tonight I watched Julie and Julia. A fantastic movie by the way that was funny, though not in an obvious way, charming, a great love story, and a story of figuring out just what you want out of life and hope for the future. Julie, a married woman who has just moved to Queens, is stuck in a dead end job and has moved into a ratty apartment with her adoring husband and odd cat. She hates that they have moved to Queens of all places and can’t stand that she hasn’t been able to get her writing career up and running so she has settled for a job she hates. So, Julie decides to write a blog for 365 days about how she cooked through Julia Child’s cookbook, The Art of French Cooking. As she writes, she finds out how she really feels about life and love while she does something that she is passionate about…cooking. In the end, she learns so much about herself and her life and becomes a much better person for it.
I preface with the story of the movie becuase it is what has my mind running circles tonight. I feel as if there is a hampster on a wheel in my mind right now and it just keeps going round and round and round….oh how I wish it would stop.
It’s a new year…2010 can you believe it?? I remember when we all thought we would be driving flying cars and living a Back to the Future kind of life. It’s also a day until my birthday. That’s right, on January 4th, I will be 31. Now, the age is not an issue to me…I have always said that age is a state of mind…some days I feel 30 and some days I feel 45! HAHA! What has me thinking tonight is this….I am about to be 31 and I really don’t have a whole lot to show for it. Now, please do not get me wrong…I have a BEAUTIFUL boy who is the light of my life and without whom I would not be where I am today!!! I have a roof over my head, money in the bank (even if it is slim), and a great family who loves me no matter what.
What I mean by “not much to show for it” is this…I should have finished school already, I should have still been married (or at least married again) by now, I should be in a job I love or at the very least somewaht like, and I should know what I am passionate about (other than my son).
Like I said, I am just getting started back at school. I have finally finished all my basics and on Tuesday I start with my first “core class”. I will hopefully finish school by the end of 2011. I will say this…though I should have finished school a long time ago…I don’t think I would have gotten a degree that I would have enjoyed. As it stands now, I know a lot more about what I would rather do in life than I did 12 years ago adn therefore will end up with a degree I can do more with and in turn a job I would much rather prefer!
See, I’m seeing positive!
Ok, so love…wow, that’s a story I could probably write a whole book about! Let’s see, a couple boyfriends in high school, a fiance in college that obviously didn’t work out, a couple loser boyfriends after that, same fiance again, which obviously didn’t work out, a marriage that again, obviously didn’t work out, but from which I gained a beautiful son. A controlling boyfriend, a crazy second husband (which lasted 2 months), a couple of dates here and there and then a great guy who I thought would be it. I spent 7 months with this man and just “knew” that we would be getting married and spending the rest of our lives together, only to find during what should have been a simple conversation, that our beliefs were a lot more different than we realized. So, I am back to square one…no love life. I know, I shouldn’t be concerned with having a man in my life…I should probably be greatful that I don’t have one…no one to answer to, no other personalities to clash with, no more schedules to work around…and I felt that way for about 5 years. It was nice during that time to just focus on mine and Stephen’s lives and no one else’s. It gave me time to figure out what I really wanted in a husband and father-figure for my son. I know many women who live their children’s school years single and then, when their children have left, they find “Mr. Right”. If I happen to be one of those women, I will (eventually) be ok with that. However, it’s lonely…no one to curl up next to after all is said and done and know that no matter what kind of day it has been, they are there to listen, there to love, there to care. No one to share the really special moments with in life. It’s lonely…but, as I have always said…I will be greatful for this continued time alone with my son. In the meantime…I am praying for God to send me someone…soon. Never hurts to ask…so long as we realize He will send them in His time, not ours.
Ok, Work…well, let’s just say, though my current position is not bad, the work is fine and the pay is good, I would prefer to be working in a job I love, not just a job that I have to do to make ends meet. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am greatful I even have a job in this economy, much less one that pays well, especially for a woman in the workforce and for having no degree. And I will continue to work whatever jobs I have to in order to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes and toys for my son. However, if you are not doing something you absolutely love…then work feels like work and eventaully starts wearing you down. So, as I stated earlier, I am continuing my education in an attempt to finally end up in the place where I want to be and not just where I have to be.
Finally, passion….One of the things that really stood out to me in the movie was that both Julie and Julia were passionate about cooking. And because they were passionate about cooking, they used it to make their lives better. By cooking through Julia Child’s cookbook, Julie in essence “saved herself”…she saved herself from becoming defeated by the circumstances in which she had to live and in turn rose above those circumstances to become a better wife, person, friend, cook. So, after turning the movie off and trying to fall asleep, I realized…I don’t have any one thing that I can think of that I am passionate about. I’m not talking about my son or my education (though those two things are driving me becuase I am passionate about them) or my family, friends, or beliefs. I am talking about something tangible. Julie and Julia had cooking. A friend of mine is a missionary and that is not only her job, but her passion as well. My dad loves learning adn teaching. My son is big into building things with his LEGOs (and vey good at it I might add). What do I have? I like several different things, but I can’t think of one thing in particular that I could say I was so passionate about, I would do every day of the week and write a blog about. Not that I have to write a blog about it mind you, but that I was that passionate about. Maybe I am just tired and a little down tonight so I can’t think of something or maybe there isn’t any one thing. I need to find something, other than reading, that I absolutely love to do; that can help me find a place for “me” in my life. You know, I feel, most days, that I am just “getting by” and doing what needs to be done. I want to feel passion about life again, not just live day to day. I want to feel I am doing something, even if it’s just a small something that no one else benefits from but me.
So, if you are like me and you want to find something that will make you feel good about yourself; that will lift you up out of the hum-drum, everyday living that we all feel we have (at least from time to time), then I challenge you to do what I am going to work at doing….I challenege you to find soemthing you are passionate about and do it. If you love cooking…cook. If you love sewing or scrapbooking or writing…do it! Find something that makes you happy. By doing so, not only will you feel better, but I guarantee, those around you will notice the difference in you and will feel better also!
As I close this blog, it is now 2:40am and I am feeling a little lighter in the brain department and therefore a little sleepier. Hopefully as I post this blog and shut down my computer I will be able to settle in and hopefully be able to get some good rest before I wake up again in about 5 hours. Until I write again…I wish you all a very Happy New Year and blessings and peace as you, with God’s help, try to figure out the things that you are passionate about and go on to live fuller lives!

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Posted by on January 3, 2010 in Uncategorized